As we move into the new
year, I've gotten a bit philosophical and my mind has wandered to life lessons. What do we learn from our parents? What do we teach our children?
Parents try to pass on certain values and ethics to their children, but
often as not the kids have a very different take-away.
For example, my parents
used to take my sister and me on Sunday afternoon rides in the country.
Cindy and I would lie upside down on the back seat and count the trees
and telephone poles as we sped along. Our father would take the little hills
too fast in order to give us all a roller-coaster-like thrill. We would
lift off the seat and plop back down, filled with the rush of excitement/daring.
I remember once our father had to brake suddenly and my young body flipped over
the front seat and landed near my mother's lap. Laughter ensued from the
grownups and then I was folded back over the seat. I think our
father had several life lessons in mind on those rides: seize the day, have
your fun when you can, be unconventional, don't follow the rules, getting out
in the country is good, etc. What lesson did I take? Wear seat
belts. Always wear seat belts! They weren't even invented yet, but
I was looking ahead.
Our parents were working
class people, hardworking, stressed, and they had expectations that we would
learn how to do chores and help around the house. They did not have high
aspirations for us because they were realists and they only knew what they
knew. There was no expectation that my sister or I would go to college, nor our
younger brother. We would get jobs, marry, settle down. My sister and I
were taught the inside chores: laundry, dishes, dusting, etc. Our brother
was taught the one outdoor chore: cutting the grass. Despite the fact that our
father helped with cooking and cleaning, and even enjoyed them, and would have
made a damned good stay-at-home dad, gender roles were high on the list of
lessons to be passed on to us. What did I take from this? Sexism bad,
feminism good. Sexism bad, feminism good. Also, I must go to
college. Not sure why, but I must go.
Now of course, I wonder
what my daughters have learned from my husband and me. If we tried to
teach them anything, it was to be left wing. Politics were very one-sided
in our home. And we taught them that entertaining is a good thing to do;
have parties, invite friends, cook good food. But what else did they
learn from us through all the day-to-day living? All the times we weren't
trying to pass along any nuggets of wisdom. When I was driving, or
reading, or going out with my friends...when their dad was working, or napping,
or making enchilada sauce...what were they peeking under the table to see? What did they absorb and to what did they inwardly resolve to always do
the opposite? Too early to tell.
As I look back at that list in the first
paragraph, I see that some of my dad's lessons stuck after all: have your fun
when you can: check. Getting out in the country is good: check. Be
unconventional: check. We've definitely passed that one on to our children,
too, whether we were trying to or not. One example: when our younger daughter
was in first grade, her teacher asked each of the students what his or her
favorite movie was. Around the room the little darlings declared
"Little Mermaid” or similar kid stuff. Our daughter? "Lethal
Weapon Two," she announced to the stunned teacher. Not just Lethal
Weapon, no, she preferred the second in the series. Hmmmm, showing our
first-grader R rated movies...maybe "Don't follow the rules" stuck,
too.
