Feb 26, 2013

Meet My New Friends

A while back I wrote to you about the many, many emails I received promising to make a certain body part, a body part that I don't happen to have, satisfy the ladies.  The language was coarse, the promises spectacular and bizarre.

I'm happy to report that I don't receive those emails anymore. Nary a one, well okay one: the Canadian Pharmacy can get me Viagra and Cialis.  With that one exception, all the spammers seemed to realize they were targeting someone with the wrong genetic code. Now? Now my spam folder fills with emails about weight loss. Does this mean the spammers actually did their market research? Can they see the roll around my stomach?  Are they watching me right now? Because yes, I do need to shed some pounds and inches.  Maybe I'll just get up and close the curtains.

Don't get the wrong idea. These aren't Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig promotions in my inbox. No, no, no, there are bigger names attached to these plans: Ellen DeGeneres, Britney Spears, Oprah, Salma Hayek, Madonna and the Kardashians all want me to read about their diets.  All I need to do is click on the innocuous-looking blue link and the path to a slimmer me will be revealed.

I also receive emails ostensibly from celebrities about celebrities as though the spammers think that piling on celebrity names will make my hand more likely to hover over the link and open their Pandora's box. Rachel Ray wants to know if Natalie Portman's diet is legit. Katy Perry wants to know the same thing about Reese Witherspoon's. Jessica Alba wants me to read up on Pamela Anderson's "Rapid fire weight loss."

No one wants me to "lose out" and they all want me to "lose it." Well, me too.  I'd like to lose ten pounds but I'm not going to click on their evil links.  Ditto for the notices that my Fed Ex package is ready for pick up at the post office or that the credit card I used for a generic hotel reservation on the fictitious Booking.com must be updated within 36 hours.  The most diabolical spam emails though, are the ones that look like Facebook notices.  They supposedly come from 'Support' and they tell me my profile has been updated.  They offer two options, click to view the notification or click to go to Facebook.  I'm guessing both doors open to the tiger.

And now I'm going to put all 821 messages in my spam folder into the trash, where they belong.

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