Are you ready for Christmas? No, me either. But last night I decided to watch a little television to relax and veg out and what happened? I was accosted by one Christmas themed advertisement after another. Last night, November 7th, a week past Halloween, seven weeks before Christmas, and three solid weeks before my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. (Isn't Thanksgiving great? Just food, food, more food, family, friends, and more food, including pie.) But I digress. I was saying that I'm not ready for Christmas. And of course I don't want to be ready. What kind of anal planner has the holidays under control this far in advance?
But Glade Air Fresheners is ready. They're already running an ad with a multiracial group of girls singing about peace. Because when your kitchen smells of fish or your living room reeks of eau de chien, your mind immediately goes to the end of war for all time, right? Sniff, sniff. Sniff, sniff. Yeah, I think that's garlic and will there ever be peace in the Middle East?
Walmart's running ads with garlands and red ribbons in the background and then, to make sure you get the main point—presents—they show a woman sitting on Santa's lap. That's a little creepy. And Walmart's also partnering with Wheel of Fortune on Secret Santa-themed shows. Again, kind of creepy. Who are these secret gift givers and where are they hiding? Will one pop out of the wheel in an elf suit? Or peek from behind the bonus board to whisper hints? Try C. I think there's a C. Maybe an A?
Kay Jewelers isn't being left behind. They're pushing gifts of jewelry under the tree this year, because what woman doesn't want her boyfriend to propose in front of her whole family while she's still in her bathrobe? Nissan's ad has Christmas trees in the showrooms and they seem to only be selling red cars this time of year. Sorry ma'am, powder blue isn't available until Easter. Disney takes it a step further and suggests contacting your travel agent to spend the holidays in the Magic Kingdom where no doubt you'll encounter Mickey and Minnie dressed as Mr. and Mrs. Claus.
And those aren't all the Christmas commercials I saw in just two and a half hours. Best Buy, Bank of America, in fact, probably all the commercials from now until December 26th will feature holly, fir, mistletoe, Santa, reindeer, and piles and piles of presents.
I know this is by now an old lament. The Christmas season has been marching ever earlier on the calendar, ruining the fun for kids and adults alike. If one quarter of the year is devoted to hyping shopping in the wrappings of made-for-TV movies, feel-good pablum, and various interpretations of the holiday, from the very religious to the very secular, how damn special can it be? Now, I'm not religious and never was, but I remember the almost-impossible-to-stand anticipation of Christmas morning after just a few weeks of hype. It was painfully delicious. It was special. This nonstop barrage is just downright annoying.
Funny, it's Hanukkah that's right around the corner; it starts super early this year, in November, the day before my favorite holiday. Did I mention pie?